i don’t really care
if you can offer the sun
i just want you near
see the light in others, and treat them as if that’s all you seeDr Wayne Dyer
Yesterday was the best day. I saw Les Miserables with my students on Broadway. It was one of the plays that I grew up wanting to experience but never actually go to. The story is the same as it always has been; Jean Valjean ex-prisoner becomes a better man after being challenged by a priest to do so. A great tale of how one can truly claim a new life when God is on your side.
It’s funny I can’t seem to avoid God, no matter where I am or what I’m doing. As I watched this fictional character become repentant in the scene where the priest offers him the best of the silver which he “forgot to take as a gift” like the rest he’d evidently stolen. He couldn’t help but resolve to be a better man. Even his new alias is indicative of his dedication to becoming a better man. His name is Monsieur Le Maire. He’s the mayor among many other important roles in the town.
It of course reminded me of the Romans 2:4; where Paul talks about the fact that “God’s kindness, leads the sinner to repentance.” Here was this guy, down on his luck, and instead of kicking him further into the pit, why not help him towards a better end. This is a lot easier said than done. Many of us a quick to make lofty promises when our moods and spirits feel good but once the mood has changed, many of us fall short of the promises we make to ourselves first, and to the rest of the people inevitably.
My heart has a softness towards the homeless in our country. I’ve traveled to more than 25 states and the one thing they all have in common is the increasing homeless population. Now we can blame their current living arrangement on drug or alcohol abuse. We can even blame it on the dwindling work ethic. But the truth of the matter is, most of these people have lost hope in the idea that they can do better. Some of them are too proud to ask family members for help in some cases, but the vast majority either have families who couldn’t care less or no family at all.
It’s funny because Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables illustrates the poverty stricken France, in a time when the wealthy class had such a tremendous excess that their waste oftentimes could eradicate the poverty of the nation. As I watched the play, I was reminded of my own privilege. Sure, I’d never seen a Broadway show before I turned eighteen. But in the years that followed, I’d seen about twelve shows averaging at least one show a year since my eighteenth birthday. Most of my friends have seen, maybe one or two.
I of course didn’t come to the realization of how privileged I was until someone asked me politely “Professor Ralph, how many shows have you seen?” And I began to list them realizing just how many I’d been blessed enough to enough to enjoy. That’s what’s wrong with many of us in America. We get so used to enjoying luxuries we convince ourselves they’re needs. Meanwhile at the end of this particular show, I was hit by the harsh reality of NYC.
The Increasing homeless population is evident. There is someone on every corner begging for change for food or drink or shelter for that night because they now have no documentation to show who they are at the shelters and won’t be allowed to stay. And while it’s easy to speak generally, I still see the young man on 40th and 7th avenue boasting a cardboard sign that reads “Today is my 21st birthday, could you spare some change towards a warm meal.” I’d just finished cramming the remnants of my overpriced empanada into my mouth; and became overwhelmed with grief. “What would you like to eat, I’ll get you a meal.” Too often when you give money towards meals they end up spending it on drugs or alcohol in an effort to escape from the reality of the pain that they’re experiencing.
He looked at me confused, as if no one have ever offered him a meal. “Come on, what would you like, tell me what you’d like and I’ll get you something.” He smiled, “Nothing with vegetables, maybe some meat.” I smiled, “Okay, what kind of meat, do you want anything with the meat?” Again he smiled “A burger, I’ll take a burger.” I walked into the Ruby Tuesday a few paces from him and retrieved a bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries. It was a meal, that I would eat myself. Twenty minutes later (long enough to make him think I had gone back on my word), I presented his warm meal compliments of my heart which now broke for the things that break God’s own heart. And then I went on my merry way.
My only regret today was that I didn’t speak some word of life into him before I left. But I’m reminded that sometimes Jesus himself used the practical things of life to express God’s love. And I understood that God had used to me to fill a practical need so that He could then have a place to fill a spiritual need. And my heart is full, knowing that this young man will have his own experience with God. I hope this fills your heart as much as the experience has filled mine.
Like most of my days, yesterday was just the most beautiful day. Frankly, I’ve been on a roll in the sense that each today I’ve experienced has been the best day that I’ve ever had to day. I don’t think this a norm for most people, and I’m quite positive that it wasn’t the norm for me until about a year ago. Day after day, I began experiencing days that seemed to knock the days of the past clear out of the park. What do I owe this amazing change in my life patterns. Well, like all the other great things in my life, I owe these amazing days filled with immeasurable grace and favor, to God—my maker, my father, my friend.
Yesterday, like most Tuesdays this summer, I entered the Brooklyn Tabernacle’s Prayer Meeting at 6:55p hungry to experience some amazing word that God might have for me or someone I know. As I entered the lobby area of the Smith Street entrance, my eyes landed on an older friend and mentor, Dorothea. She has to be one of the greatest prayer warriors I’ve ever had the pleasure of rubbing shoulders with. A woman so concerned with the things of God and how he wants to use us for his glory, she was glowing. I had to talk to her. I rushed over and gave her the biggest hug when she began to tell me she’d been following my moves.
Anyone close to me knows I have experienced God in the most miraculous ways over the last 4-5 years of my life. I’ve lost a lot of friends, a lot of money, and a lot of old habits along the way, and God has been using me tremendously (oftentimes against my own will to do) because of my consistent decision to obey. It’s funny because in all of my goings and comings, I was being watched by someone I looked up to and I hadn’t the slightest clue. And I am reminded now of why it’s so important to live a life that is pleasing to God. Because angels walk among us daily taking note of how we’ve emptied ourselves for the things of God.
She asked “Should I start praying for your husband now, or do you want to wait.” I quickly responded saying “Yes. Pray for him.” And I intimated to myself how much preparation I’d been doing for the life God has in store for me. And she began to pray immediately, not some general or generic prayer that we pray for the singles in church who are stressed out about being married to their one true love and helpmate. No, this was a different kind of prayer. It was a prayer that echoed the very words that I’d expressed to God everyday this year. It was the prayer that I’d turn into praise because I knew God had to be working because I hadn’t been nearly as dedicated to finding a husband as most women my age are.
And I remembered the verses that I’d been meditating on earlier in the day. Romans 1:17; Habakkuk 2:4; and Galatians 3:11. All three verses discuss the same issue, “the righteous shall live by faith.” Faith isn’t getting started, hitting a roadblock and then asking God to pull you out of the mess you had a direct had in making. Faith isn’t worrying about everything that’s wrong instead of praying for deliverance and healing. Faith is knowing in your “Knower” (to quote my older sister) that God has gone ahead of you and is preparing for you (Deuteronomy 31:8). Faith is praying without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Faith is believing that God has a plan, a good one for you (Jeremiah 29:11). Faith is acknowledging that no one is like our God in Psalm 113.
And it was such a great way to end the day knowing that God had pressed my spiritual mentor to pray the exact words I’d been praying over my life in her daily prayers. What a might God we serve, who is worthy to be praised, who keeps all of his promises. I hope these words encouraged you.
Three nights ago I was struggling to sleep after the most amazing experiences. I left my house on Saturday morning to dance with this amazing non profit I’ve come to love in the last few months, Dance for Change. A great group of Christian dancers who set out to use their God-given talent to impact the NYC community in a positive way, less the dramatics and schemes of competition that dancers are generally plagued with. The focus was no longer on being the best, instead we’d come together and give our best while affecting some change outside our normal reach collectively.
On this day, we were working on choreography for National Dance Day. What is that? Well it’s a day that focuses on dance and it’s impact on health and fitness ( if you care to know more, check out their website www. dizzyfeetfoundation.org). We successfully completed the choreography and headed up to Lincoln Center for the festivities. When we arrived the crowd was thicker than we expected but we didn’t let it stop us from finding a spot near the front where we could see what was happening while we danced in the crowd. Then the most amazing thing happened. The camera-man got our attention and asked whether we knew the more advanced choreography. We shook our heads, slightly disappointed, but then he said “Learn it, and we’ll call you up to perform”. Mixed emotions of nervousness and excitement overwhelmed us, but we could do it.
Within ten minutes we’d perfected choreography and we were called on stage to perform at Lincoln Center amid the crowd we’d just been a part of. Tears of joy and gratitude filled most of our faces. My own heart burst with glee when I considered the prayer of desperation I’d prayed on my way into the city. “God your word says you go ahead of your people and prepare a way for them. Your word says you’re great and mighty to be praised. Your word says you will show up and show out because that is what you do because you are God. When are you planning on showing up because I’ve been here watching and waiting and I know you’ve done some things that impacted me personally, but when do I get to see how your hand uses me to impact others in a greater way?” Well can I just say God showed up! We all talked about how exciting, how awesome, how marvelous, how God had done this awesome thing for a group of young dancers who just wanted to make some kind of difference. And trust me he is just getting started.
I don’t know where you are right now or where you’ve been. What I do know that God is true to his word. He doesn’t waiver. He makes us wait sometimes, but while we wait, we need to be prepared for whatever he calls us to do when he makes the call. I know it’s difficult because I struggle with waiting (everyone does); but I do know whenever I wait, God has a way of showing up and showing out in the grandest way—in the most unexpected ways sometimes. Recently God gave me a verse, and it’s one that’s been permanently on repeat for the better part of this year. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). Seems to be the perfect life verse for the period of waiting. But I cannot stress enough how important it is to prepare, study, press into God while you wait, because the more you press in the sooner the waiting season ends, and the sooner you get to the breakthrough you’re seeking.
I hope reading this has left you blessed.
#mcm the yummiest little bun I’ve ever met. Meet Garrison the only #baby who could make decide that I must procreate at least once before I die. #igers #ig_newyork #ig_baby #babies #babyvideos #ig_video
I had grown so accustomed to the sound of my own thoughts that I found it difficult to make meaningful connections. I despise the external world. I don’t want people to get too close because I don’t want to get hurt. I think that’s everyone. But then I want to be close because I like reciprocated experiences with a select few that I choose to call friends, or more appropriately the family I pick for myself. In my effort to connect over the last two years or so, I’ve found myself in quite a conundrum. Most people can’t deal with the intensity with which I interact. I’m in your face asking questions, telling answers, pressing into you and totally clouding your field of view, while making a mess of your comfort zone. I’ve got a sixth sense, so I use it. I tell you about yourself (the good stuff I see) and then I tell you where I think you could be (which oftentimes end with you being terrified that I know your one true wish you’d like to come true).
I should be exhausted, as most people would be, living my life this way. But I crave the knowledge of who you are, and whom you’re becoming. I’ll admit, I don’t really care about where you were yesterday so much as I’m excited to see where you’re headed tomorrow. It’s crazy because I think that’s how God is with us. He says when we confess our sins he will forgive us and forget that they ever happened. Read Isaiah 43:25, that’s what it talks about. And so it makes me want to look ahead as he does forgetting the old and relishing in the new experiences he has for me and for you. This, I think, is a radical way of living. We are all called to live in such a way that we reinforce the idea that God’s kindness leads the sinner to repentance as Paul elaborates on in Romans 2:4.
I can’t tell you that this way of living is easy. Because it is not. What I can say is, if we are willing and truly concerned about building and sustaining relationships, then it is very possible to live this way. Consider the mother who can reinforce what’s expected of her child by gently showing the right way, and remaining consistent about the expectations are. Consider a marketing CEO who instead of firing the new associate for messing up a major press release, decides to put him on a probation and give the training necessary to succeed in the future. I think this is how God handles us, and how we should handle each other. Recently I was placed on an indefinite probation because of the way I asked to perform at the church. There was nothing wrong with the performance itself. I had said nothing particularly wrong. The problem was my delivery.
I struggled with the decision that was made. I was told that I was prideful. And I sat back and listened while someone who clearly had a personal issue with me proceeded to tell me about who I was in Christ. I was broken. This was not the same verse that I’d come to learn in Romans 2:4. This was not the Grace that I’d experienced daily from God. Sometimes when you’re part of a church it’s easy to get caught up in the way things are. You become comfortable with the general order of things. You don’t want someone new coming and changing the way it’s been happening. I think one of the biggest failures we have as Christians is the narcissism to think that God only talks to us individually. When someone tells us something, God didn’t say to us, we’re quick to dismiss it because, for some reason we think that God has to run his plans by us. And we’re all like that, myself included.
Truth is, God wants to do what he wants to do. He doesn’t need our permission or our approval. He is God. Perhaps a great learning experience from this year was understanding that God not only had a larger purpose for my ministry, but me as an individual. It’s funny because sometimes God has to break good relationships so that he can build our relationship with him. I know for me, giving up people I love and respect is very difficult. But the advantage of being able to press into God a little bit more than I ever had is something that I couldn’t possibly trade in on. I hope this reflection blesses you in some way.
I received the book Worship by John MacArthur as part of a Christmas present from my older sister. When I received it, it was during a time that I was particularly concerned with worshiping in spirit and in truth in every area of my life. And I have to say I was doing pretty well until I got the book. She gave me the book and I thought, “I’ll read it during my time off in January.” But January came and went in no time and I was still looking that book, added to my neat stack on my nightstand. A couple of months ago I finally started it and stopped reading it about 8 chapters in. I decided it was too verbose, too outdated, and frankly this guy was telling me stuff I already knew.
A week ago, I picked it up again, after having what seems to have been the most difficult six months of my life. I’ve had some financial difficulty with my workload being cut in half (I have to digress because I’m reminded of a professor I had during undergrad who I saw in a bookstore working, and I asked what she was doing there without thinking about how I might’ve been embarrassing her by asking. I remember her saying, she needed to pay her bills. Then, it didn’t occur to me that as an adjunct you generally lacked stability in the higher education setting, even though these institutions run mostly on the sweat off the adjunct’s back. I want to make a public apology to her, and maybe one day I’ll see her and apologize for being such an imbecile at the time). My ministry that I’d been putting everything into as a result of my small workload was put on hold and I could no longer worship in the way that I was most comfortable.
My tutoring company was doing a lot of work but my client was not paying me on time. I visited the man of my dreams, expecting more than he could actually offer since was so broken, and I returned to my Long Island home feeling empty and confused because everything was perfect until it wasn’t. (I should elaborate here that as a celibate woman, 4 years today, I didn’t misrepresent myself in anyway to him, so I didn’t offer anything that could potentially harm my relationship with God on the surface, that anyone could see or point out necessarily, except I spent very little time with God while I was with him. And my own barrenness ensued.
In April, I dispatched a very well laid out distraction, who’d been forcing his way into my life hoping to break the vow of celibacy I’d made years ago without any real commitment. Even my fourteen year old sister chuckles at that one. He made very little attempt to give anything to me, but expected me to give up more than he could ever possibly give, my integrity—the commitment I’d made to God. Like an arm from my body, I tore him off of my person—figuratively—and watched as he disappeared into the place where he truly belonged my past. I anticipated the inquiries I’d receive in his absence, and they came ready to consume. Rumor had it that I’d been dating. I’d been dating him. I was no longer celibate. I was pregnant.
It wasn’t long before I realized that the core parts of my life were under shell shock. When my relationship with my mom hung on by a thread in June and I exploded for the first time in the three years I’d moved back to her home to help. I was at a stand still. My mentors disappeared. The man that I loved needed a loan and as much as I needed the money more, I offered it to him without thinking about twice. He’d never once done a single thing for me is what I’d like to say, but even now I’m reminded of his emotional support on a day when I could have ended it. I had a single friend, my best friend, who I longed to see. And all of the people I thought I’d keep forever were no longer remotely acquainted with me. I kept looking at Worship, promising that I would finish it but I never actually go to it. Instead I read more lighthearted book that I absolutely needed to read when I did. The Happiness Project. (I’ll discuss this book in another post. It was quite wonderful).
Alas, a week ago, I set out to finish all of the incomplete projects I still had. This was triggered by my disappointment in the man that I’d put on a pedestal, second only to God. I didn’t hold back the truth, but I made sure to say it as gently as I could while expressing the hurt he had caused. And I set out to finish my projects. I’d work on choreography. I’d commit to my personal goal of attending all dance for change events. I’d pray more. I’d be more grateful. I’d see my friend I hadn’t seen for a long while. I’d finish the books I’d only started. I’d pay off any negative debt I had remaining from my financial crisis. And then I got started. The first one was finish Worship. I grabbed the book and began reading. All of a sudden all of the familiar bible verses and explanations no longer bore me to tears. I was intrigued. God wanted me to be reminded of his expectations for me. There was no room in my inn for yeast, he’d been occupying every crevice of who I was, and I need to sift out the junk once and for all.
I began reading Worship again, and the words seemed to raise from the page. I couldn’t get into it. But I know it was a worthy read. MacArthur discusses the holiness of God. He talks about how majestic God is and how lowly we are in comparison. He endorses the idea that we must understand how sinfully unworthy we are in order to give God proper praise. At the midpoint he actually says “Authentic faith therefore entails shedding every pretense of our own righteousness and confessing we are hopeless sinners” (109). In other words we can’t roll up on God as if we’re worthy of all the mercy and grace he gives us, and we also can’t take for granted that he has to give us mercy or grace…because he is Lord of Lords and King of Kings.
I kept reading because he had some valid points. Worship emphasis is placed on how we live everyday. In other words I can’t be a Christian on Sunday but during the week I look like every other person in the world. My walk should be consistently seeking to glorify God in every aspect of our lives, as he graciously points out. Less emphasis should be placed on the outward appearance of worship, and more on how our hearts bow before God. Did that catch your attention too? I considered my own heart. Was my heart bowing before God as I prayed? Or was I too pompous and full of myself to allow the Holy Spirit into my being? I had to reflect, and think about my truthful answer, not the answer I hoped to be true.
He described acceptable worship saying “Worship does not occur in a vaccuum. As believers, we are responsible to the rest of the church to maintain a consistent lifestyle of genuine, acceptable worship” (141). This idea was the echo of his entire book. Do not be concerned about looking as if you’re worshiping so much as you are concerned with worshiping in spirit and in truth. Then he continued with the most beautifully astute quotation by Soren Kierkegaard “People have an idea that the preacher is an actor on a stage and they are the critics, blaming or praising him. What they don’t know is that they are the actors on the stage; he (the preacher) is merely the prompter standing in the wings, reminding them of their lost lines.” And God is the audience! (141).
I considered what I knew about worship and how I’d practiced worship until that moment in his book, and I realized that I needed God to refine me so that I could worship him as he had called me to do. He ends with four steps to being a more truthful worshiper. They are 1. sincerity; 2. fidelity; 3. humility; 4. purity. I had always struggled with the third requirement. But God had burnt my pride out of me. Now he was calling for me to be consistent in all four, in spirit and in truth. My heart was so full when I finished the book at sunset on Friday. I considered that the anniversary for my four years of celibacy was on the horizon. And I understood that every crevice of my life needed Jesus more and more so that I could worship incessantly in every area of my life.
There were a few points in the text that I felt were a little too legalistic, but all in all the overall message of intentional, consistent surrender to God in everything we do seemed to be the crux of MacArthur’s book. And it is worth the read.
Sometimes as believers we get so caught up in the act of praying for some breakthrough that when we get God’s final answer we question him. “Is that really you God? Time and time again we’ll pray for healing, for financial breakthrough, for the husband, for the baby; and then the answer comes and we’re stuck on whether it’s just the voice of desire in our hearts pushing us on to the next move or it’s really God. “Is that really you God?” It’s funny when I think about my own journey with Christ. No one’s faith is bigger than mine. I literally believe that everything I pray or speak will come to fruition. So I’m careful. I choose my words that I speak over myself wisely. I try not to speak death or come out of my face (as I often refer to meltdowns as) and it’s difficult.
Recently God was working on a specific area of my life. He kept asking me to give up someone; not because they were the wrong person, but because the timing was off. Selfishly, I pushed and pushed. God please, let me take care of it. And for months, a couple of years I would realize breakthrough after breakthrough with a major setback sandwiched between of them. The last setback; was the worst kind. I’ve gotten very used to being alone so I’m happy generally when I’m riding solo. The selfish person in me wants to be alone and wants to focus on just me. You can’t do that successfully in our society though. Because everybody needs someone. I figured that out a few years ago, and my struggle since then has been, connecting and staying connected.
God speaks to all of us. The more you read his word and the more time you spend worshiping him in every area of your life, the more you’re able to recognize his voice. I know when God’s talking to me because if it’s a direct order and I don’t get to it, my heart races until I do. If he asks me to dance on a Sunday morning in church, and I don’t I can’t dance in my private space. God goes above and beyond for us, and he has that same kind of expectation for us, but on a lesser scale. Sure we can’t remake the world, but he wants us to use our gifts and be willing to move when he asks us to. So then next time you get an answer to your prayer that you’ve been praying for, if it happens to line up with what you wanted in the first place, this is only confirmation that you are well within the confines of God’s will. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that you are walking alongside God towards your destiny. Don’t be fearful, walk into what God has called you to.
I clutched my pillow and shut my eyes as tightly as I could. Maybe sleep would come if I pretended. Thoughts overwhelmed my mind. I was certain that I’d become obsessed with the idea of the thing rather than the thing itself. The echo of my imaginary therapist’s suggestion seemed to fill the room like a thick fog did a muggy autumn morning. Sleep refused to come. So I tossed and turned, remembering the day that I’d had. It seemed to mirror David’s words in Psalm 118 “This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.” The events of the day listed themselves like the squares I had entered into my day book in order to force myself to get more done. Had I finished everything that I’d set out to do?
I reached for my journal in the shadows that occupied the left side of my bed. Five of nine things were completed. A few things didn’t make the list however. Very important things didn’t make the list. I had woken up and performed interval training without a trainer breathing down my neck. I’d walked about 4 miles. I smiled at a homeless man and got a him two cold beverages to offset the heat of the day. I’d inadvertently given him hope that life had something more to offer if he shifted his attention to the hills. I had made two new friends today. I inserted bonding time with my younger sister—we shared fried chicken, giggles, and reminisced about the good old days while we looked at photos. I had rejoiced and was glad in the day that the Lord had made. And I was winded.
But sleep did not come. I could hear my spiritual mentors voices in my head. Well you need to pray. Well you need to study the word. Well you need to…I blocked out the noise as I clung to a promise of Proverbs 13:12. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.” The verse didn’t need an elaborate explication. And I began to think of him. It hadn’t been the first moment that he had entered the deep crevices of my mind, but the busyness of the day gave him little room to perform. I wondered how he’d been doing. And then I tried to force myself to think of something else. Nothing seemed to work. So I prayed again. But this time, I prayed for his well being and for his rest. I prayed that he’d experience the very best that life had to offer him.
Still, sleep evaded me. I pushed my face into my pillow and asked God why he’d been punishing me. No response. I felt my mind relax. The chirping grew louder as I turned and reached for my phone. The song in my head echoed from the thirty minutes I’d spent choreographing line by line. “He’s healing me, I’m going to worship.” His face was lodged into my field of view; I was desperate for the busyness of the day before. I didn’t want to think of him. “He’s healing me, I’m going to worship.” I dreaded my obligations of the day as I examined the electronic calendar. Assist Danielle with Sunday school at the 9:30am service. I’d volunteered to become a Sunday school teacher knowing that I’d only be available until the end of the year. Something deep inside my mind told me to finesse myself out of it immediately. God would never ask me to go back on my word. He blessed integrity.
The soreness of my body was evidence of the amazing day I’d lived just the day before. Could I walk? I flipped my legs from under the covers and onto the floor and attempted to walk. I could feel the muscles in my feet tingle as I walked to my sister’s room to wake her up. The lines of the song continued to echo “He’s healing me, I’m going to worship.” I reminded her of our plan of action, examined the common area of our house then walked back to my room. I needed answers from God. Why’d He plague me with this much concern for everyone, especially him. I decided to assume the position of surrender. I knelt face down as I called on his name seeking a definite answer. “You have to move to Austin”.
I thought of all the reasons it made no sense; and all the reasons that it made perfect sense. More reasons were listed under the column that read “this makes no sense”. I cried out asking “Is that you God, or is that me putting words into your mouth?” I listened for his response. “Yes, you have to move to Austin by the end of the year.” What? It would offset my trip I’d planned to Europe. It would offset my work situation. I thought of all the things that I’d have to give up by moving to Austin. “Erm, God, you’re kidding right?” I began to journal, hoping that in my entry God would speak a different word. An easier word. I rehashed the last twenty four hours looking for a single sign that proved that God wasn’t actually speaking to me.
But his voice was as clear as a summer day. “To Austin. December.” I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I would move to this new place. Where some of my oldest friends had moved. And I would begin my journey as the founder of the ministry that he’d asked me to build. It was God. Tears filled my eyes as I continued to write hoping that the tune would change and the song would end with different lines. God has spoken. It was time for me to follow the lead he’d given me.
it’s racing again
i think i see the
light this time
and i’m not sure
a second chance
but i’ll ask
for one and pray
that you don’t push me
away, knowing that
i’ve only ever wanted
to give you
When I figured out that I couldn’t actually be perfect I was devastated. It seemed like I’d spent the better part of my childhood trying to fulfill some impossible goal and I began to beat myself up. I’d wasted a good fifteen years of my life attempting to be perfect and everyday I fell shorter and shorter from this bar that couldn’t possibly be reached. My mother used to always claim how perfect she was, and I sort of believed it. Strange, it never occurred to me that she wasn’t even a perfect mom let alone a perfect human. And here I was trying desperately to be just like her, absolutely perfect.
Then I had the most brilliant idea. I would be the first person to obtain and sustain perfection. I quickly forgot all of the mistakes of my past. And focused solely on what lay ahead. Perfection was possible if I worked smart enough. I’d become the best in all of the major career fields. I’d work out every day and obtain the most perfect body that ever graced the earth. I would marry the perfect man; because why wouldn’t there be such a man, if I were to become perfect myself,. It would be standard that God would prepare my equal for me.
So i strove and strove. And I was almost perfect at everything I tried. I almost perfected every natural skill I’d been given. I almost..
I realized at 25 that perfection was a goal that could only be met in death. As humans we have a natural disposition to make a mess at least one thing up daily, because we’re not God, and we couldn’t possibly be perfect. We couldn’t possibly have a perfect existence on the face of the planet, because perfection was only possible for a perfect being. And it was so liberating. I sought, now, to find the keys to my own fulfillment, and recognized that I was missing a very important element in my life—my relationship with God.
How could I think that perfection was possible at all if I didn’t have a consistent relationship with the most perfect being in the universe.I asked him to make me over. I asked him to show me what he wanted me to do. And I realized that he believed was perfect about me would never be perfect in the eyes of the individuals I had been subconsciously trying to convince that I was perfect. So almost five years after this epiphany, I’ve come to grips with the fact that I cannot be perfect, but I can be better than I was yesterday. I can’t always get everything that I want, but I’ll always have everything I need. I’ve learned that I’m not like most people (if anyone at all); and I know that I have angels surrounding me every step of the way. I know that God goes ahead of me and prepares for me even when I’m not planning on going that way.
So in the quest for perfection, I discovered a perfect God; who knows exactly what I need. And I know that I can try to fight it as much as I want but as long as I’m motivated to please him; it makes sense to follow his lead and know that he’s got my back, and His will, can and will lead towards the perfection that I seek
the irrational desire
to prove myself
the true fabric of my
and lose myself
sometimes i’ll put something in drafts and marinate on it for weeks before i post it…sometimes i’ll think about something for years before i say it out loud…sometimes i wonder if i delay in order to preserve some sense of control over what is truly inevitable…and i can never find the right answer alone
i say the wrong thing
but then i don’t apologize
because i don’t want to be weak